Don’t you find it weird how you have no trouble having a good conversation with your friends, but, when it comes to talking with women, suddenly you struggle and now you have to read this article to find out how?
I know how you feel and there’s one solution to this problem: empathy.
Don’t leave me yet! I know it sounds weird and maybe a bit corny, but hear me out. This dramatically changed my game. I went from struggling and thinking of what to say next, to having a free flowing conversation that required little to no effort.
Lets begin with the 3 reasons why empathy is so powerful at creating instant connection with women and how to cultivate it. Ready?
1. It creates an instant connection
What’s the difference between your close friend, and a stranger?
You may think that its because you know them more, but that’s not always the case. We can know all the facts in the world about someone, but that doesn’t mean we feel any sort of connection to them.
The difference between a close friend and a stranger is how you feel about them.
The goal of conversating with a woman is to “connect” with her in the hopes that it might lead to sex. It’s to create a bubble where the two of you could understand each other and vibe off each other.
One of the reasons why we go in our heads to “think of what to say next” is because we want to establish that connection.
But if you take the shortcut and feel a connection, by simply building some rapport, the girl will begin to feel the same connection you feel. It’s called “mirror neurons.”
2. It makes you a good listener
Feeling empathy and compassion for others causes you to become naturally curious about them. There’s no acting involved.
Your analytical mind won’t be guiding the conversation. You’ll be guided by your genuine emotions.
With little to no effort, you’ll come up with great questions that will elicit a response. You’ll want to listen more than to speak.
They’ll feel heard, understood, and accepted. This causes people to open up and actually be themselves.
Girls won’t interact with you using their “representative”, that is to say, the persona they have for guys who are trying to hit on them. That’s what causes them to instantly reject you.
This representative is the self that we all have for public consumption. The persona we hide behind in order to get through our days.
So if you’re talking to a girl and she sees you as another guy who’s trying to hit on her, her representative (the inner bitch) will take over and deal with you.
This “inner bitch” might ignore you, act like she likes you when she really doesn’t, or tell you to fuck off! She’s there to protect her client ;).
You can’t fake empathy. It’s something that has to really come from within… And I’m going to show you how to do that at the end of the article
3. You can actually be yourself
Our best self comes through when we’re being unselfish. When we put others before ourselves (as long as we don’t compromise our values).
By having compassion towards the other person, you’ll be able to actually be yourself.
The desire to make an impression won’t hinder you from making a connection with a girl.
The one thing that inhibits you from having a deep conversation with a girl is when when you try to make an impression.
Trying to manage impressions causes you to compromise your values and beliefs just to get a reaction. You can’t be your real self with this thinking.
People feel will feel that you’re disingenuous and their subconscious mind causes to call up your worst nightmare; the inner bitch aka their representative.
You must first give yourself permission to be yourself by letting go of the need to make a connection. By feeling genuine love and compassion towards the girl, you’ll build a connection without even saying a word.
How to cultivate empathy
Studies have shown that learning how to meditation increases empathy. You can meditate 5 to 10 minutes a day and in one week you’ll be able to see the difference. You’re more patience and compassionate towards others.
If you don’t know how to meditate, I have an audio series where I teach you how to meditate, along with a guided meditation. Just click here
Realize who you really are
Another way to cultivate empathy is to start with yourself. You must first love and build a connection with yourself.
But if you have self hatred, and resent in your heart, that will inhibit the natural flow.
Let me ask you this: who were you when you were a baby?
When you were a baby, you had no personality, no identity, no sense of self, yet, you were you. How?
Every seven years your body replaces itself (including your brain) and dispite all those changes, you’re still inside. But how?
The one constant thing you had throughout all these changes was this: Awareness.
You can go deaf, mute, blind, and paralyzed, and you’ll still be inside. This awareness is who you are. You think you’re your personality, or the body you’re inhibiting, but that’s all temporaroy. Who you are is what remains constant.
This means that that the same material that makes you is the same thing that makes me.
If you’re not your personality, and I’m not my personality, then we aren’t’ really that different. You have the same thing I have: awareness.
Once you realize that we’re all made up of the same thing, which I like to call, “presence”, you’ll begin to feel a connection with all things (i know it sounds corny, but its true).
By being in touch with your inner self, you can then begin to see yourself in others. You can see beneath all the surface (egos) and see that they are you and you are them.
In the past, you’d see a woman, you’ll react to the exterior (the ego), but now, you’ll see beneath her, and see what’s inside you.
You won’t be afraid to approach her or nervous to make an impression. You already have one because you feel it within yourself.
This realization causes you to feel a shit ton of love and compassion. You won’t see them as “the other” anymore. You’ll see everyone as one.
Imagine loving yourself, and seeing yourself in others? It’s easy to build a connection because you already love yourself, right? Damn right!
How to cultivate presence
The way to cultivate presence is through meditation. Simply become aware of being aware, or, simply notice the breathe.
When you interact with women, rather than going into your head, become aware of your breathe and listen to her.
Simply see her for all she is. Don’t just see her as a hot girl, because that causes you to go inside your head.
Simply listen to her words it vibrates in your ears.
Notice the colors, shadows, her facial expression. Notice the smell in the room. The feeling of your clothes on your body.
Appreciate her, smile at her, see her as someone who also wants love.
Simply observe without adding any interpretation. Just be present with what is.
There you’ll get a taste to what its like to be present without needing to add to the moment. You won’t to get drawn to emotions or reactions.
It’s only you and her. Your own little bubble. This is how you suck her into your reality.
You won’t be thinking of what to say next, or try to manage an impression. Who you are won’t be “you” per say, you’ll be the one who’s aware of this person you call “you”.
From this place of “no-mind”, is when you give your mind the freedom to come up with creative and funny things to say.
All that “mental ram” that was being used up to manage an impression, can be used for allowing your mind to operate at a maximum level.
She won’t feel any neediness or “creepiness” because you wont’ be seeking a reaction. The mere experience of being with her is suffice. Anything else is just the cherry on top.
I can promise you never had someone listen to you as intently without judging you.
When people listen with presence, they feel an unexplainable connection with the other person that it causes them to want to get to know them.
This is extremely powerful and influential.
Empathy isn’t the only way to improve your conversational skills, but to me, it’s the fastest way to improve it with minimal effort.
In case you forgot, here are the three reasons why:
- It creates instant connection
- It instantly makes you into a good listener
- It allows you to be your self which in turn, gives her permission to be herself.
You can cultivate empathy through either meditating on a daily basis, seeing yourself in others, or seeing women as as though you’re seeing someone you haven’t seen in a long time.
Now, here’s my question for you: what are some good conversational techniques you’ve came across with that has helped your game? Please comment below and let me know, I’d love to hear from you!