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Want to know the number one sticking point in game? Approach anxiety!!!! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE goes through it.
I say that because it was my biggest sticking point and every beginner’s sticking point. Learning to overcome approach anxiety would have saved me years of failure.
I remember the first time I gave game a shot back in 2011. I was going to Temple University but decided to move in early before classes began. I wanted to give day game a shot and game for a month straight.
In the first week, I remember going out for 3 days straight without approaching. I walk around the city for about 6-8 hours without ever approaching a single girl. It was frustrating because I was doing all that work for nothing.
When I did manage to approach I came off as weird and nervous. Girls never texted me back.
This is why I decided to write the ultimate guide to approach anxiety. I graduated with a degree in psychology. Worked as a drug and family counselor. Ran a website on meditation. Oh and I also overcame approach anxiety. So I believe that this guide is coming from someone who has an idea on how to overcome approach anxiety.
You can freely download, The Easy Way to Overcome Approach Anxiety album, where I’ll guide you through some of the techniques I use here and much more. Download now
In this guide, we’ll cover the following:
- The best NLP techniques to overcome approach anxiety
- Psycho Cybernetic techniques
- Counterfactual Agreement (a recent technique I learned about)
- Mindfulness meditation techniques
- Neural Associative Conditioning techniques
- How to instantly go from feeling like shit to feeling confident
- Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing EMDR
- and much more!
The Dissociation Technique
The first technique is “The Disassociation Technique”. Its purpose is to helps you disassociate approach anxiety from approaching women. The goal of this technique is to remove the anxiety at the thought of approaching a beautiful woman. The steps are the following:
- Identify the emotion you’d like to overcome (approach anxiety).
- See yourself on a big movie screen approaching a woman from start to finish.
- Play the exact movie backwards, then fast-forward it and then play it backwards again.
- Play it backwards, but with funny circus music in the background. Run the movie 3-4 times.
- Take a deep breathe and see yourself approaching a woman once again and notice your reaction. If you still feel anxiety, do this exercise once again until it’s completely gone.
The Swish Pattern
The Swish Pattern technique uses an old dis-empowering pattern that you run as a trigger to call upon an empowering pattern.
We’re to take the mental representation of your approach and replace it a mental image of approaching women with confidence.
The 5 steps of the Swish Pattern
- Notice the mental image that comes up when you freeze up from approach anxiety. Lets call it, “Image 1”.
- Make a mental snapshot of how you would like to look and feel whenever you approach a woman. Make sure that the image is big, bright and exciting. Make sure that you can see a confident you that’s able to attract any woman he wants. It has to excite you. Make sure that this ideal response is how you would like to feel. Confident and full of energy! We’ll call this “Image 2”.
- Now place Image 1 in front of your mind’s eye. Make sure you can its clear and vivid. Then take Image 2 and shrink it down to the size of a post stamp.
- Now as fast as you can grow the Image 2 so it expands to explode Image 1 out of its way. You want it to become big and bright to such a degree that it shatters image 1 into pieces and takes its place. Make sure that when the explosion occurs to say “Whoosh!” (or Swish!) in an enthusiastic way. This helps with visualization.
- After “swishing”, open your eyes, and think of something else for about 10 seconds. Then repeat the process daily 10-15 times every day until you have no more approach anxiety.
The key to this technique is doing the “swishes” faster and faster each time. A sign that you’re on the right track is when you can’t imagine
The Whiteout Technique
This is one of the best techniques to end unwanted behavior and emotions. The mental image of your approach anxiety will be “turn’t” up until its completely white.
The 4 steps to the whiteout technique
- Notice the mental image that arises whenever you think of your approach anxiety. It might be an image of you approaching, or an image of a scare you. Just make sure it’s a mental representation of your fear to approach.
- Imagine that you’re holding in your hand a dial that enables you to increase the brightness of the image.
- Turn up the dial to increase the brightness until the image turns completely white.
- Think of something completely irrelevant for about 10 seconds and repeat it again
After 10-15 times, you may not be able to see the image, which means you can’t access that emotional state.
50 years ago, Dr. Maxwell Maltz developed a way to help people change their self image to achieve their goals. He called his method, Psycho-cybernetics.
Dr. Maltz explains that our brain is like a cybernetic device that acts like a goal seeking machine. Your self image becomes the target goal that your success mechanism works towards. Whatever you feed it, it will ensure you receive it.
As long as you keep feeding your mind your ideal self, it’ll give you access to the resources you’ll need. If you need motivation, it’ll give you the motivation. If you need to learn a new skill, it’ll give you the intellectual curiosity to study.
Whatever you’ll need your mind will give it to you as long as you keep feeding it your ideal self image.
It’ll also allow you to experience the emotional state of being your ideal self. This is important because your sense of self connected to how you feel. When you don’t feel like yourself is because you feel different from how you usually feel. If you want to change your your self image, you must change how you feel.
I used Psycho Cybernetics to motivate myself to learn pickup and work towards my goals. I remember having a clear image of how women will react to me and how I’ll eventually feel. That’s what kept me from giving up because I felt certain that I’ll eventually manifest what I had in mind.
Let me ask you this: on what temperature is your thermostat set? What is the image you have of yourself whenever you see yourself approaching a woman? If it’s an image of a fearful you, then that’s what your mind is focused on giving you; more fear and anxiety. So let’s reset that system and get you on a path to inevitable success with women through first overcoming approach anxiety!
Step 1: In a third person’s perspective, see yourself on a movie screen approaching a woman successfully; full of confidence and charisma. Imagine creating instant attraction from your mere presence and notice how she reacts enthusiastically.
See yourself in a relaxed and dominant state; as an individual who’s not afraid to show sexual intent. It’s important to include all of your senses (hear, touch, smell, taste, seeing) because your brain will take this visualization as an actual experience. Spend 5-10 minutes on this first step.
Step 2: Imagine hovering above this ideal self and going into him and play the movie but from a first person’s perspective. Notice how this new you breathes, thinks, moves, and feels compared to who you are today. Notice how the girl reacts to you and notice how you feel. Spend around 5-10 minutes a day visualizing yourself making successful approaches.
Don’t be surprise if you feel excited to do approaches after the first time of doing this exercise.
Counter Factual Simulation
If you struggle visualizing yourself approaching a woman with confidence and charisma, then your subconscious mind will not allow you access to the resources that you possess that helps you overcome approach anxiety.
A counterfactual simulation is a fancy word for a “what if” question that gives you the ability to ask your brain to simulate for you how any outcome that you ask it and your brain effortlessly shows how that would look if it was real. And the best part about this is that you can fill in the blank with anything you’d like!
This technique uses the brain’s ability to give you the motivation and will to achieve anything you want as long as you can imagine it vividly.
For example, if I asked you to imagine waking up tomorrow and seeing the sunrise, would you struggle visualizing that? You wouldn’t. You know that the sun will come up tomorrow. The only person who would struggle with this idea is someone who never seen the sun come up.
In goal setting workshops, instructors instruct their students to imagine how their lives would be if they earned a million dollars. Some people struggle with this exercise because they have a limiting belief that it’s not possible to make a million dollars.
Since they can’t vividly see themselves as millionaires, the brain will never work towards finding ways (which it inevitably does) to make that dream come true.
But let’s say if I asked you the following question: what would it look like if you believed you can become a millionaire? I bet it looks achievable once you add a Counter Factual Simulation to the question. I bet you can see that becoming a millionaire is more possible than you thought a few seconds ago.
By asking yourself “what would it look like if..?”, it enables you to bypass all of your limiting beliefs and simulate any reality you want. All you have to do is insert yourself into that scenario and maintain that vision until its fulfillment.
So ask yourself: What would it look like if I approached women with such confidence that they would feel instant attraction from the second I say hi to them? and allow your imagination to run wild. What you’ll notice is that you’ll begin to see that it is possible, and because of your certainty, it’ll propel you to take action and tackle that sticking point with enthusiasm.
Riding the Wave Technique
This technique was developed by psychologist Alan Marlatt, Ph.D., an expert in the field of addictions treatment.
You experience approach anxiety as a physical sensation in the body. This anxiety is like a wave that rises in intensity, peaks, and eventually crashes.
Here’s a brief exercise you can do on your own time: Imagine approaching the most beautiful girl in the world; everyone’s watching you and judging you. See if you can notice all of the sensations that arises when you feel approach anxiety.
You can use this technique while you meditate or when you’re about to approach a woman.
Simply observe your breath and use it as a surfboard to ride the wave of your anxiety. Don’t try to fight it. In a way, you’re using your breath to match the rhythm of the anxiety. You can use this whenever you’re approaching a woman. Simply focus on your breath and don’t worry about making an impression.
Right now the most important thing is learning to control your emotions in front of a beautiful girl. Once you learn to master yourself, then you can proceed to game. Remember, it’s one step at a time.
Observing yourself react
Whenever I feel approach anxiety, rather than saying to myself, “damn, I feel so fucking scared to approach”, I say, “aww, my body feels anxious”.
Can you see the difference? I’m not the problem, its my body who’s scared. I, the one who’s observing the reaction, is alright. I can approach. I feel at peace. It’s my body who has the problem. So I’m still going to approach and sooner or later, my body will get used to it and catch up.
What you will notice is that whenever you become the observer of your reaction, you’ll notice that you, the one who’s observing the reaction, is cool, calm and collected. It’s the body that’s running wild.
Another technique you can use is shift your attention to your breath. Notice the rhythm of your breath as your inhale and exhale. You might be feeling nervous, but your attention will not be on your nervousness, but on your breath.
Why does this work? Simple, you get more of what you focus on. If you focus on your good feeling, you’ll feel better. If you focus on your nervousness, you’ll feel more nervousness. Makes sense?
Neural Associative Conditioning (NAC)
Neural Associative Conditioning (NAC) is a 6 step method, developed by Tony Robbins, where he shows you how to link pain to the unwanted behavior and pleasure to the new behavior that replaces the unwanted behavior.
The reason why I love this technique is because when the thought of not approaching causes emotional pain and the thought of approaching causes pleasure, change will be effortless.
I don’t think ANYONE would continue doing a behavior that produces immediate pain. Similar to smoking cigarettes, people do indulge in behavior that causes pain the next day or someday in the future, but never NOW.
This is what NAC does, it enables you to experience the pain that will happen in the future, now.
All you have to do is devote 5-10 minutes a day for a few days, and answer these question either through visualization or writing.
I already mentioned why visualization is important, but let me explain why writing is as important.
When you write it down, studies show that writing helps the brain encode information at a faster rate, and in this case, we’re encoding the association of pain to not approaching and pleasure to approaching.
Here are the steps:
1) know what you want and what’s preventing you from having it: You want to be able to approach women and what’s preventing you is approach anxiety.
2) Associate massive pain to not changing and massive pleasure to changing: Think about your current life and circumstances and ask yourself the following set of questions (got these questions from this site):
What is this behavior costing me physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Financially? Spiritually?
What is this behavior costing me when it comes to my career prospects?
What is this behavior costing me when it comes to my relationships with others?
What is this behavior costing me in terms of the goals that I would like to achieve?
What am I missing out on as a result of indulging in this behavior?
How is this behavior affecting other people?
How is this behavior affecting how I spend my time?
How is this behavior influencing how I talk to myself and how I talk to others? How is this bad?
While indulging in this behavior, how do I tend to use my physiology? Why is this bad?
How is this behavior clearly not working for me in the present moment?
Now, take yourself back into the past and ask yourself the following set of questions:
What has this behavior cost me in the past?
How has it cost me physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually?
What has it cost me in terms of my career choices and within my relationships with others?
How has it denied me the chance to attain my goals and objectives?
What opportunities has it denied me? How many of these opportunities might I never get back?
What have I missed out on as a result of indulging in this behavior?
How has this behavior affected other people? How is it made them feel?
How has this behavior affected how I spend my time?
How has this behavior affected my state-of-mind?
What regrets do I have as a result of this behavior?
How has this behavior sabotaged me over-and-over again? How did that make me feel?
How has this behavior clearly not worked for me in the past?
Now, take yourself into the future by five years, and ask yourself:
What will continuing to indulge in this behavior cost me in five years time?
How will it cost me physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually?
How will it cost me in terms of my career opportunities?
How will it cost me in terms of my relationships?
How will it prevent me from attaining my desired goals and objectives?
What will I miss out on over the next five years if I continue to indulge in this behavior?
How will this behavior continue to affect other people in a negative way?
How will this behavior influence how I spend my time over the next five years of my life?
How much precious time will this behavior potentially waste?
How will this behavior affect my state-of-mind over the next five years? Why is this bad?
What regrets will I have over the next five years if I continue to indulge in this behavior?
How will this behavior clearly not work for me over the next five years of my life?
After you associate massive pain to approach anxiety, it’s time to associate massive pleasure. Simply answer the following questions:
What are the benefits and rewards in my life that I will experience by achieving this goal? How will my life improve for the better? (pleasure-inducing question)
What will my life be like in 1 year, 5 years, or 10 years if I achieve this goal? How will this affect all areas of my life for the better?
3) Interrupt the triggers or patterns that initiate the unwanted behavior: A pattern interrupt is disrupting the trigger that causes you to feel anxiety. For example, as soon as you feel approach anxiety, try to find a way to immediately change your state by either focusing on the pain that it will ultimately cost you, listening to a song that you know will pump you up, or changing your physiology.
You can change your physiology by imagining a “you” who’s 100 percent confident with women and feel as though you’re stepping into this ideal self and feeling how it would feel, seeing how it sees, breathing how it breathes, standing how it stands. By doing so, you’re commanding your body to feel a confident.
4) Create an empowering alternative
In our case, the empowering alternative is simple: approach! By now, if you took the proper steps in associating pain to not approaching and pleasure to approaching, you would feel compelled to naturally approach.
5) Condition the pattern until it’s automatic: Like I said earlier, answer the pain and pleasure inducing question for as long as you feel is needed. You want to get to the point that whenever you think of approaching a woman, you feel excited. You can only do that if you associate pleasure to approaching.
6) Test it: You can test it by either imagining yourself approaching and seeing how you feel or actually approaching. If you still feel anxiety, return to steps 2, and 3 and amplify the efforts. If you did it once a day, do it twice a day and so on.
Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing or EMDR
I used a lot of EMDR when I worked as a therapist because of how powerful it is. EMDR helps you tackle the problem at the core through allowing the brain to process information and experiences that are too traumatic for your brain to process.
Studies shows that few sessions of EMDR can potentially replicate the benefits that people experience from psychotherapy. In addition, studies show that 84%-90% of single trauma victims report that they no longer experience symptoms of PTSD after only three 90 minute session.
The benefits of EMDR:
- Anxiety and lack of motivation
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Feelings of shame and guilt
- Food or drug cravings
- Changing limiting beliefs
- Despite the fact that a lot of therapist urge patients not to use this technique on their own, I never had a negative experience, neither did my clients when I worked as a family counselor.
These are the instructions that I always gave my clients and most of the time it had its desired effect
Think of the negative emotion that you’re trying to get change and make an image of that emotion.
As you focus on the emotion and mental image, move your eyes in different directions, up, down, left, right, circular, and etc.
Do this for about 5-10 minutes and rate how you feel compared to when you initially started, and continue doing so until it’s down to a manageable level.
If you continue to focus in on the negative emotion, after 10-15 minutes you’ll begin to feel something changing inside. You may begin to notice that the emotion isn’t as intense as it was in the past.
NOFAP is abstaining from masturbation and/or porn in order to raise testosterone levels.
Don’t ask me why, but a lot of guys, including myself, reported a decrease in social anxiety, higher levels of motivation and when interacting with women, it feels more man to woman because of the sexual vibe you’re emanating.
The results won’t be instantaneous, but after a week or two, you’ll feel a urge to interact with women. You won’t find them as intimidating, and because you’re so horny, you’ll feel compelled to approach. You’ll be focused on the pleasures you’ll get if she likes you than focusing on the pain that you’ll feel if she rejects you. Remember the pain pleasure principle: we run towards pleasure and run away from pain.
Go out with a wing or be held accountable
Having a wing who supports and motivates you to approach is a great way to overcome approach anxiety. Just don’t fall in the trap of using them as a crutch and solely depending on them in order to feel confident enough to approach.
Another way to use your wing is to sign up for some of those websites that allows you put up some of your money and have a friend be the referee. If your wing doesn’t feel like you’re not pushing yourself hard enough, or at all, he can approve that the your money goes to a charity that you really hate.
That will give you the added motivation to take action and plow through approach anxiety.
Change your physiology
Like Tony Robbins says, “motion creates emotion”. If I asked you to imagine how someone who’s depressed looks like, chances are you’re going to say the following: their shoulders are slumped, they speak in a low tone, and at a slow speed. They move slowly and take shallow breathes.
We all have an image of how a depressed person looks like and what’s more fascinating, we all know how to feel depressed by simply changing our physiology.
Now let me ask you this, how does someone who’s confident look like? I’ll answer that for you. Most likely they’re smiling, chest pumping out, erect back, taking deep breathes, smiling, and with a confident look in their eyes. If you would to show me with your physiology how a confident person would look and act, you’ll begin to feel confident in the process.
So whenever you’re about to approach a woman, simply imagine how it would feel to be confident and match the physiology of someone who’s confident. Breathe, smile, walk, move, and think how a confident person would. Your state will change and you’ll feel confident to approach her.
Alright guys. If I keep going I’ll never stop because this is what I enjoy studying on a daily basis. You have no excuse. Go out there and approach. They’re waiting for you…