Healing isn’t about being over your ex or forgetting about them completely. We’ve all gotten over all of our exes, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t leave an imprint in our minds and hearts that affect us till today.
Being healed is all about GROWING from the experience rather than becoming more bitter. A lot of the times, we tend to lower the standard of healing so that we don’t have to do the work of healing.
1. You have negative emotions towards your ex
I’m not talking about feeling emotions for your ex boyfriend, but rather feelings of hostility and anger. These feelings come as a result of feeling like you couldn’t control your life and other people are responsible for where you are right now in life.
This is the victim mentality that one develops when they put all their faith in someone else and not in themselves.
A lot of people think that hating their ex is okay, but it isn’t. That hatred is a reflection of one's emotions towards themselves.
Being over someone is all about forgiving and having compassion for the other person. In a state of compassion, there’s no room for hate, and that creates the necessary room to heal.
2. You have a higher need for control
When one feels hurt or like the victim of their life, in order to avoid additional pain, you begin to feel the need to control your life more than before. You also resist anything that doesn’t conform to your strict expectations.
Have you encountered people who just need things to have it their way or the highway? Those people are unbearable to work with or be around because they aren’t flexible and there’s no compromising with them. You must do things their way or they will cause havoc.
In a relationship, if this becomes your defensive mechanism for pain, then you’ll encounter men who are always in a state of defensiveness because you yourself are defensive.
3. You are more defensive
Not healing means being in pain. Being in pain means trying to avoid feeling more pain, which means you see the threat of pain at every corner.
You then gear up with your mental armor and attempt to control your life to avoid the pain that traumatized you.
If not, you’ll find a reason to argue about everything, your body will grow stiff and rigid and you’ll slowly push people away from you.
4. There is no acceptance behind your longing for them
There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for someone. The problem arises when you resist the fact that you’re still not over them. Don’t lie to yourself. Be honest. Clear what’s inside you and accept it. Don’t try to say “Oh, I’m over him!”
This is done by the ego in an attempt to maintain your sense of self. It's best to accept not being over them and hold your pain in loving embrace by simply seeing the pain and smiling at it.
5. You still wake up in disbelief
If it’s been months after the relationship ended and you still wake up in disbelief, it means you’re having a tough time moving on. There's nothing wrong with that, but you must face reality and accept that it’s over. The feeling of disbelief is an underlying resistance to reality. This caused you to be stunted in the past and unable to move on.
If you believe you haven’t healed from your past relationship, then its best to use that pain to grow.
Practice mindfulness meditation and use your pain as a spiritual practice. This will help you grow from your experience.
We discuss this in greater detail in my course.... click here.