Today, we're gonna be answering a question from one of my clients and we're not gonna roasting this lady because this question is serious. Usually, the questions that people ask me are questions that are obvious but this one is different so I want to answer it with all the seriousness I could.
My client is essentially saying how she can not be a narcissist. The fact that she's thinking about this or being aware that she's a narcissist, to me, her mind is opening up. Maybe something happened, maybe somebody told her something that made her see this but the fact that she's aware is incredible. We talked about this in my previous videos and people said that there are some narcissists who do change. Some of them, but it's rare though.
I'm not an expert in narcissism nor do I act like I am but I do know a few things about it. The thing about narcissism is that deep down, narcissistic people cannot deal with anxiety. They cannot deal with disappointments because they have no self-image to build them up.
Look, your self-image is built in your childhood, it's built upon parents who give you positive reinforcements. Your self-image is almost like a thermostat when your self-esteem goes down, your self-image activates and lifts up your self-esteem. The point is, when your self-esteem goes down, the thermostat kicks in and reminds you of some success and why you're worthy and lifts you up. This is developed in childhood but narcissistic people never develop this--either because their parents are narcissists, their parents abused them or just genetically.
The point is that when things go down, they have nothing to build them up. What do narcissists do? They use people to build them up. They begin to develop a way or a pattern of looking at people as though they were objects--self objects, almost like an extension of your hand. They don't see people as people, they see them as objects.
Do you know the biggest reason why people disconnect from other people? The denial of death. The reason why you don't see people for who they truly are is that, deep down, you're not accepting your own mortality and you're not looking at the fact that every single person around you will die. Death will bring empathy and the thing that narcissistic people lack is empathy--for themselves and for other people.
As soon as you get in touch with death and understand that death is near and you begin to meditate on death and everyone around you, a deep sense of empathy will arise. When death is in front of you, things that matter automatically matter and things that don't matter disappear. When you learn to have that in your mind all the time, what matters is connecting to people--that's what matters to your body.
Your little petty problems, your little self narcissism is broken into smithereens whenever you confront death. Seeing death and dying as a brotherhood and you returning to where you came from as something to be proud of will break your narcissism.
When you see old people walking down the street, don't dismiss them. Visualize yourself becoming them, visualize them being young and getting older, visualize them dying. You have to visualize that because that will break your narcissism. You will begin to have the empathy to other people.
Make death visceral. You can't reproduce the experience of death or almost dying but you could definitely meditate your way into it. You want to feel death in your gut, feel death within you. Every pain that you feel, link it to the inevitable. If you feel your shoulder hurting, realize that that's your body slowly dying. Keep that in your head. As crazy and as morbid as it may sound, reminding yourself of that liberates you from your self-absorption.
Don't just have death as a concept, feel it in your body. See death in everyone as well and meditate on it as often as possible. Feel it in your body. It's important and it will build empathy because then you'll feel compassion for the people around you a lot more.
It's a deep subject but if you really struggle with narcissism, I would highly recommend the book The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. That book will open your eyes a lot particularly the last chapter on death denial, check it out.
In terms of dating guys when you're a narcissist, you are who you are right now. The truth is that it's not recommended to date narcissists and you know why. You're gonna have to work on yourself. It's gonna be hard but you're gonna have to work on yourself because if you don't fix it, most of your relationships are gonna be toxic. There's no other way around it so fix it and start developing more empathy.
We discuss this in greater detail in my course.... click here.