If you never learn how to deal with rejection you will never learn game. The pain will be too intense to deal with and quitting will be the obvious choice for most guys. That’s why learning how to deal with rejection is the most important thing to do. And the simplest way to deal with the feeling of rejection is through simply observing the feeling and the thoughts it produces. Nothing more, nothing less.
It’s important to acknowledge it because if you don’t, you will attempt to suppress it. This suppression takes the form of neediness, addiction, clinginess and etc. This inability to acknowledge negative emotions is why most guys never overcome the rejection. They only learn to numb the pain rather than dealing with it head on.
Anytime you feel rejected, acknowledge it by naming the emotion(s) or verbally narrating what’s going on inside of you. Rather than feeding the need through seeking self-esteem in other people’s reactions, you use that moment to grow and become more rooted within yourself.
How do I do this thing you call “acknowledging your emotions”?
If you struggle acknowledging your emotions, ask yourself “what’s going on inside of me at this moment?” or “what part of me doesn’t feel the way that its feeling?” and just observe what happens next. Don’t judge. Just observe the emotion and the mental patterns that come from the emotions. Don’t try to figure out why you feel this way or who’s the cause of your pain. Observing is enough.
Have you ever been in a quiet room and asked “can you hear that sound?” and in an attempt to find that sound, you intensely listen to see if something will arise from the silence? You become very. In the past a pencil could have dropped and you might not have noticed it, but now that you’re listening, nothing gets pass your conscious attention. That’s what I want you to do whenever I say to “observe”. Don’t judge or label, JUST OBSERVE.
Does it mean this technique will erase the feeling of rejection for good? Because that’s what I really want. I hate feeling rejected.
No. Chances are you might still feel those negative emotions but now you aren’t suffering anymore. You mind isn’t torturing you with the stories it created when a girl says “no” to you.
In the past the feeling of rejection would have caused you to feel insecure and thus, act more insecure. But now you’re using those emotions to grow and become more confident.
So if you really think about it: it’s a win-win! If you get the girl, that’s great! But if you get rejected, you can use that occasion to grow in presence and become immune to rejection.
But remember, we are not making the emotions go away. We are simply accepting it through intensely observing the emotions. The non-acceptance (“I don’t want to feel this way anymore”) to the emotion is the source of your pain, not the actual emotion of rejection. This non acceptance comes in the form of a story your mind creates.
“I’m so fucking shitty”
“Fuck, pickup sucks man. This shit doesn’t work”
This happens to everyone because your mind’s function is to solve problems and make you feel better. So now your job is to just observe the mind. By observing the emotions and your desire to feel better, you’ll stop trying to feel better and enter a state of acceptance. This is what acceptance is all about.
Once you stop trying to feel better, you’ll feel the rejection, but underneath it you’ll feel peace and tranquility. It doesn’t control you anymore. You’re liberated from your mind made prison.
The mind will automatically become still because it doesn’t have any more problems to solve. Since the mind hates being still it’ll try to CREATE problems to try regain some control:
“hey remember yesterday! That bitch fucking rejected you!”
But now you know the basic dysfunction of the mind. Now you don’t react to those thoughts. You just observe and stop trying to feel better. Because the more you push away the emotions, the more pain you feel.
From now on give up trying to feel better and you’ll see how your game will dramatically change.
I seem to struggle “observing the emotion”, is there another way of doing this?
Yes, just say, either mentally or verbally, “yes” to whatever is happening right now.
That doesn’t mean to say yes to “kill someone”. You can’t say yes without observing the emotions. So it means to observe it, and let the thoughts and emotions pass by rather than trying not to think of it.
But start with the small stuff. When you’re waiting in line at the groceries and you want to hurry up, say yes to the situation with a smile. Accept it. When you’re in traffic, rather than resisting, say yes.
So if a girl rejects you, saying “yes” is simply observing the emotions and your desire to feel better.
Remember, you are not trying to manipulate your experience. If you try to, you will resist and return to feeling the numbing pain resisting the feeling of rejection. If that happens, say yes to your unconscious desire to manipulate how you are feeling.
Once you become conscious of your resistance the pattern will inevitably dissolve. But remember that feeling another way is not our goal because sometimes acceptance INTENSIFIES the pain. This is important to understand because if you accept, and don’t feel better, you’ll resist because “it didn’t work”. Also acceptance does not cause pain, it only brings it out. When it comes out you’ll feel the full range of those emotions and memories of your past might begin popping out. Those emotions where emotions you were pushing away, so it shouldn’t be a surprise if they barge at you in the light of your acceptance.
But you have to allow it to naturally run its course or else you’ll never let go of rejection. Don’t give it a timetable of when this emotion should subside. Allow the emotion to express itself, and things will take care of themselves.
What happens if the feeling of rejection is too intense for me to just observe it? What else can I do?
If the emotion is too intense, start slow and just notice your inability to say “yes” to the feeling of rejection. Or you can have a friend or a wing support you and give you a nice little pep talk, but in the midst of all this remain highly alert and observe what’s going on inside of you. Notice the changes as they occur. Stay present.
Practice exercise 1
Say “no” to what’s going on right now (feeling of rejection) and notice how resistance feels. Notice the tension, mental dialogue and the emotions that come about from saying “no” to the present moment. Be like an art enthusiast studying a painting in awe. No matter how disturbing it may be, observe the resistance.